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(Contains: strong language)
you're fucked.


  i want to be the one to cause your blindness,
  gauge out your beautifully piercing blue eyes so you can no longer see me the way i know you do

  i'll be the noise to fill your eardrums and make them blow,
  no longer will you be available to listen to anything i have to say
  and you never fucking do anyways
  you only care about yourself.

  i want to be the one to sew your mouth shut with twine
  to make it impossible to speak those devastating words you've told me time and time again
  i don't want to fucking hear it anymore.


i want to be everything that makes you fail
i want all of your organs to fail
i would donate any piece of myself to you

make me the mental illness that creeps into your mind until your mind is no longer your own
slowly driving you to a tortured insanity
i hope you fucking can't tell what's up or what's down
i want full control of every thought you could ever possibly think up
in that sick and contorted brain of yours.
how you could think there was no wrong in everything you did is a straight up fucking mystery to me
you're an ignorant cunt.
i want to take over your mind
but i also want to be the medication to ease your thoughts

let me be the water to fill your lungs and replace any air supply, any hope of survival
i will suffocate you to death
i hope you drown in your regret for all the shit you put me through that i never deserved
and then i would administer you CPR

i am the adrenaline that will cause your heart attack,
your fucked up heart that doesn't know how to properly care for a person
is that what caring is to you, that's douchery
i will rip your heart from your chest then replace it with my own
i would do that for you
i would have done that for you

i could be the cancer that latches on to every part of your insides and makes it impossible for you to keep any true part of yourself
spreading and growing until you're nothing but a tumorous wreck
or i could be the chemo to save you.

i will peel every last bit of skin off of your bones until you're not even recognizable
you have both terrible and blemished skin anyways
i'm doing you a favor.
i will give you a new skin, my skin
just like you wanted

i want to be the knife in your back, the gun in your hand, and the poison in your veins
i will stab you in the back and be the bandages to patch you up
i'm the poison coursing through your selfish veins, and the antidote to cure you
i want to shoot you in the fucking head


i could be the drugs shot into your arm
one dose for every bad thought you ever put in my mind.
two for every bad feeling you ever gave me.
you would overdose because you're fucking scum, trash, a piece of shit
and i would take care to clean you up from the floor


i want to see you hanging by your throat until your precious face turns from blue to purple
you will see flashes of light and hear the ringing in your ears before i cut you down
and you will wear the ligature mark for a time being
and i would kiss it better

make me the devil that steals your empty soul and corrupts it,
breaking every single part of you until you're completely obliterated
you aren't even dust, you don't exist anymore.
and then i will create your soul again more beautiful than it has ever been in the past
tying it to a kite so it can soar in the sky

i have never met anyone so selfish and wanted to be so selfless to them.
i will tear you limb from limb and then desperately try to glue the pieces back together
i will light you on fire with my hatred and rage, drape myself over you to put out the flames.
i want to tear you down and then build you up brick by brick until you tower above most everybody
i want to cut you deep and then heal your wounds
i want to see you suffer
i want to see you succeed

i want to fucking kill you, but i don't want to hurt you.
the piece i never should have written
let me bathe in the violence of my emotion here,
allow me to fill my soul with anger, and excuse my vulgarity.

this is for anyone who has ever been hurt by someone, and still wants to give them everything they have ever desired.
Loading...
i've spent most of my life constructing realities
based upon assumptions
understandings
concepts
what i know to be true

searching for it, clinging to it
as if the mere loss of truth would be my unending
it would mean i know nothing
and i am nothing without knowing anything
i am nothing.

and so i built
walls and buildings,
cities,
mountains,
forests.
every piece was a layer of what I considered to be reality
layers that i didn't notice i was covering myself with,
like paper maché

and every time i meet someone new
i have them peel a piece away from me
read it,
dip it back in the paste
try to mold it with their hands
and place it right back in almost the exact same spot
almost completely untouched.

the only one i ever truly let mold my layers, truly create parts of me
was myself.
unchanged
never phased.

now i am touched,
changed,
phased.

but you are so much more and you are so very different
you could mold me better than i can mold myself,
and so i put myself in your hands
your nonchalant attitude, stoic air feels ultimately familiar to me
i think i've known you forever, you've been a piece of me just waiting to be found

you can peel my layers piece by piece until there's nothing left but the heart of me
and that heart belongs to you.
what it means to love
a collaboration with my past self
Loading...
i'm trying to rebuild you
if i take pieces of things that remind me of you,
and pieces of you yourself
i can try to string them all together
maybe then i would know you as a decent human being.

i will tear out strands of your hair from your scalp
your fingernail from your dry nail bed
or maybe take the whole hand
i'll steal the skin from your wounds
cut your lip to liberate your blood from your veins

i would ask for your tears but we both know you wouldn't cry for me
i would try for your heart but we both know i don't want it.
it's tainted.

if i could gather all of these with your scent,
with the essence of your personality,
all of the things you get excited for
all of the things you are passionate about
none of the things that make you bitter
everything you love.

maybe, just maybe, i would have a way to construct the real you, without any darkness.
but i can't separate those things.
i can't cut them out of you like a tumor,
can't siphon the poison from your body or soul.

you are a black crow and i am the dove
you are tainted.
black crow
sometimes there's just people you can never save.
Loading...
it is desolate here.
where i am
where i have been countless times before.

there's only so many lives i can save before i am forced to save my own.
have you ever lost something you deemed extremely valuable
something with a presence that is crucial to your importance in life
something that exists solely to validate your existence itself
and the more you search for that it seems the less chance you have to find it
that's where i'm at.

but in this case, i never had it to begin with

the act of being on a constant quest for meaning has demeaned my reason for seeking anything at all
i care too much.

and not in the good way.
in the way where i care about the trees
i care about the ant i accidentally stepped on
i care about that one thing someone said to me in fifth grade
a character died in the book i read when i was thirteen
that i have a terrible memory except for those things
that the sun isn't bright enough
that the sun is too bright
that some people actually choose to wear crocs
that some people choose to do nothing at all
the fact that i know nothing
the fact that i know far too much
aglets
coffee
rain
warmth
dew
the past
him
her
them
anyone
anything
nothing
i care that i care too much
i care that people don't care.

and then there's you.

i always thought that apathy was the downfall of societal beings
how could you hold opinions but never contribute them
what does your already meaningless survival mean without ever having any of your thoughts in your mind reach anothers

but you've been saving them
like a letter in a bottle that was lost at sea
until i picked it from the shoreline with my childish hands

every word you saved because it wasn't worth wasting on deaf ears
every thought you manifested but never let come to fruition
saving your breath

but i caught it.

like an empty cologne bottle
that lets out the faintest sweet scent when opened
but soon there will be nothing left to inhale
so every waft is a stolen piece of time
i keep opening the bottle
or maybe it's just opening me.
i want your scent to seep into my pores.

i think i can learn from you.
how not to care, i mean.
the apathy i once thought to be obscene
is now something that i covet

i would ask if you believe in signs
if i thought you cared enough to believe in things
but you don't care
and i don't care that you don't.

i'm not overly interested, but i have interest
i'm not overwhelmingly excited, but i am excited
i'm not looking for anything, i'm not putting forth any effort to figure things out
comfortable
content
at ease
taking in but not over-taking.

i just am.

Too many Pokemans

Journal Entry: Tue Aug 7, 2012, 11:44 AM


deviantID

fishblossom
James
Canada
Tell me when you fall in love with me.

Current Residence: Sherwood Park, Alberta

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:iconyoutookmyheart9:
Youtookmyheart9 Featured By Owner 5 days ago  New member
I am sorry, please.
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:iconevil-uke-sora:
Evil-Uke-Sora Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2014  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
:happybounce::squee:Thank you SO much for the watch:heart::hug:
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:iconsivousplay:
sivousplay Featured By Owner May 29, 2014  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
thanks so much for the :+devwatch: .. I truly appreciate the support!
:tux:
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:iconavalonstarlight:
AvalonStarlight Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2014
Hi I noticed you watched my old account - I have a new one now: :iconfloralfawn: hope to see you there, thank you!
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:icongenimonster:
GeniMonster Featured By Owner Apr 5, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Hi! (/^3^)/ ~Heart Thank you so much for watching me!

PS: Checkout my FB-Page www.facebook.com/GeniMonster :D (Big Grin)
There you can find more pics, wips and news or win the new give-away \(*o*)/  Hope we see us there again! Heart
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