athazagoraphobia

have you ever lost something you deemed extremely valuable
something with a presence that is crucial to your importance in life
something that exists solely to validate your existence itself
and the more you search for that it seems the less chance you have to find it
that's where i'm at.

but in this case, i never had it to begin with

the act of being on a constant quest for meaning has demeaned my reason for seeking anything at all
i care too much.

and not in the good way.
in the way where i care about the trees
i care about the ant i accidentally stepped on
i care about that one thing someone said to me in fifth grade
a character died in the book i read when i was thirteen
that i have a terrible memory except for those things
that the sun isn't bright enough
that the sun is too bright
that some people actually choose to wear crocs
that some people choose to do nothing at all
the fact that i know nothing
the fact that i know far too much
aglets
coffee
rain
warmth
dew
the past
him
her
them
anyone
anything
nothing
i care that i care too much
i care that people don't care.

and then there's you.

i always thought that apathy was the downfall of societal beings
how could you hold opinions but never contribute them
what does your already meaningless survival mean without ever having any of your thoughts in your mind reach anothers

but you've been saving them
like a letter in a bottle that was lost at sea
until i picked it from the shoreline with my childish hands

every word you saved because it wasn't worth wasting on deaf ears
every thought you manifested but never let come to fruition
saving your breath

but i caught it.

like an empty cologne bottle
that lets out the faintest sweet scent when opened
but soon there will be nothing left to inhale
so every waft is a stolen piece of time
i keep opening the bottle
or maybe it's just opening me.
i want your scent to seep into my pores.

i think i can learn from you.
how not to care, i mean.
the apathy i once thought to be obscene
is now something that i covet

i would ask if you believe in signs
if i thought you cared enough to believe in things
but you don't care
and i don't care that you don't.

i'm not overly interested, but i have interest
i'm not overwhelmingly excited, but i am excited
i'm not looking for anything, i'm not putting forth any effort to figure things out
comfortable
content
at ease
taking in but not over-taking.

i just am.